Advertise here.
 |
Title: Caligula
|
/ 
/ 
/ | CONSUMER ADVICE |
Parents, if you let your children watch this then you are an idiot. |
Dear Reader,
I wrote this with deep sadness in my heart. I know a film critic is not supposed to let his emotions get in the way, or show weakness in the sign of adversity, but this is a situation of an entirely different level. See, I have just written/re-written/completely thrown away at least five drafts of a review for a movie called “Caligula,” a movie so bad...no, I’m not even going to be clever. I just can’t. People, I’ve decided not to print a review because this movie sucks. It sucks big time. It’s a big, epic, mess of a movie that has no redeeming qualities I’ve ever seen. “Charlie’s Angels” looks like “Citizen Kane” in comparison (and if that’s too much a cliche, then it makes “Heaven’s Gate” feel short). This is a terrible movie. Absolutely terrible. I’m not going to talk about the performances, because these poor actors must have suffered enough by now.
Yeah, some of them, like Helen Mirren and Peter O’ Toole, eventually went on to win Oscars, but that doesn’t wash away this film. I’m not going to blame the director. Because, honestly, there’s no director to blame. No screenwriter. The movie is filled with blood, guts, sex, incest, and really, really big sets. All of which amounts to nothing interesting or fun. Watching someone eat a pop tart will prove more entertaining (if less interesting). I went through the film to find some images of the film I could share with you, but the movie is full of so much nudity and sex, that not one shot is appropriate to be shared on a family site. Wait, I take that back: There is a shot of the sky that I’m sure I could get away with posting. I honestly surprised myself I even finished it. I kept taking notes, pushing myself to finish the movie because I wanted to write a review.
Sadly, I don’t think that’s possible. This movie is such a mess I don’t know where to start and where to end. Even Roger Ebert’s review summed up the movie in one sentence, and it wasn’t even his own quote. Awful, just awful. This movie could be used to torture rapists and murderers. And honestly, thinking back to this three plus hour epic I couldn’t tell you what it was about. I can’t describe the characters, I don’t know what they were doing, and I don’t think there was a workable script. This is the worst movie I’ve seen, and hopefully I will never see a movie worse. If I do...well, then I think I’d have to swear off movies. Life’s got mountains to climb, rivers to boat in, and Mike Tyson to beat in “Punch Out,” and in no way should “Caligula” be allowed to cut in on any of those activities. So I’m tossing in the towel and not writing a proper review.
My deepest apologies,
 |
